But in the past year or so, I’ve felt the gears slowly winding down, like a toy on the dregs of its batteries. In late 2014 and early 2015, I went on a handful of decent dates, some that led to more dates, some that didn’t-which is about what I feel it’s reasonable to expect from dating services. The first Tinder date I ever went on, in 2014, became a six-month relationship. Each person felt like a real possibility, rather than an abstraction. Swiping “yes” on someone didn’t inspire the same excited queasiness that asking someone out in person does, but there was a fraction of that feeling when a match or a message popped up. When the apps were new, people were excited, and actively using them. I have a theory that this exhaustion is making dating apps worse at performing their function. I’m pretty frustrated and annoyed with it because it feels like you have to put in a lot of swiping to get like one good date.” “But on the other hand, Tinder just doesn’t feel efficient. Hyde has been using dating apps and sites on and off for six years. “It only has to work once, theoretically,” says Elizabeth Hyde, a 26-year-old bisexual law student in Indianapolis. While the possibilities seem exciting at first, the effort, attention, patience, and resilience it requires can leave people frustrated and exhausted. The easiest way to meet people turns out to be a really labor-intensive and uncertain way of getting relationships. “I think the whole selling point with dating apps is ‘Oh, it’s so easy to find someone,’ and now that I’ve tried it, I’ve realized that’s actually not the case at all,” says my friend Ashley Fetters, a 26-year-old straight woman who is an editor at GQ in New York City. But it feels like you have to put in a lot of swiping to get one good date.” “It only has to work once, theoretically. And while no one is denying the existence of fuckboys, I hear far more complaints from people who are trying to find relationships, or looking to casually date, who just find that it’s not working, or that it’s much harder than they expected.
Sales’s article focused heavily on the negative effects of easy, on-demand sex that hookup culture prizes and dating apps readily provide. But “it really is sifting through a lot of crap to be able to find somebody.” “I have a boyfriend right now whom I met on Tinder,” says Frannie Steinlage, a 34-year-old straight woman who is a health-care consultant in Denver. It’s great to just talk to people and meet up with people.” “I haven’t been looking for a serious relationship in my early 20s.
“I think the way I’ve used it has made it a pretty good experience for the most part,” says Will Owen, a 24-year-old gay man who works at a marketing agency in New York City. “I have not had luck with dating or finding relationships.” “I have had lots of luck hooking up, so if that’s the criteria I would say it’s certainly served its purpose,” says Brian, a 44-year-old gay man who works in fashion retail in New York City. The question is not if they work, because they obviously can, but how well do they work? Are they effective and enjoyable to use? Are people able to use them to get what they want? Of course, results can vary depending on what it is people want-to hook up or have casual sex, to date casually, or to date as a way of actively looking for a relationship. In 2016, dating apps are old news, just an increasingly normal way to look for love and sex. Older online dating sites like OKCupid now have apps as well. Tinder arrived in 2012, and nipping at its heels came other imitators and twists on the format, like Hinge (connects you with friends of friends), Bumble (women have to message first), and others. The gay dating app Grindr launched in 2009. It doesn’t do to pretend that dating in the app era hasn’t changed. I don’t believe hookup culture has infected our brains and turned us into soulless sex-hungry swipe monsters.
I don’t believe technology has distracted us from real human connection. I thought that last fall when Vanity Fair titled Nancy Jo Sales’s article on dating apps “ Tinder and the Dawn of the ‘Dating Apocalypse’” and I thought it again this month when Hinge, another dating app, advertised its relaunch with a site called “,” borrowing the phrase from Sales’s article, which apparently caused the company shame and was partially responsible for their effort to become, as they put it, a “relationship app.”ĭespite the difficulties of modern dating, if there is an imminent apocalypse, I believe it will be spurred by something else.